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anonymousblackstruggling.
according to a survivor friend, there's a good chance that with this latest round of bloodwork, my endocrinologist is simply doing what needs to be done to get clearance from my insurance for the super 'spensive PET scan.
but judy! you did a scan in november and it turned up nothing, you're saying. whelp, RAI scans can apparently miss a re-occurrence if it is very early. they can also miss some of your more esoteric metastasis. in this context, as with the vast majority of cancer-related contexts, "esoteric" is not in my favor. survivor friend is over her ears in esoteric thyroid cancer metastasis. she knows of what she speaks.
i am dealing with some depression, major healthcare burnout, as well as that thing that happens when you've been swept up for months in a Dramatic Life Happening and then, some of the dust clears, or at least you think some of the dust clears, revealing the huge mess of things you've left unattended for months on end and oh, god, the entropy, the fucking entropy. the unresolved. the unsaid. the spoiled milk in the refrigerator. the fear about something other than cancer killing me in my sleep. it might be refreshing, at least, to be afraid about something else? but! it is not.
i'll be talking about PET scans with my endocrinologist, you betcha, that and so much more, but for now? i'm taking a few days off.
i could really use some good thoughts and friendly notes. haiku, even. here is as good a place as any, should you not know my email address (or you keep ending up with my british namesake. she has to be getting some of my mail, considering how much i get of hers.)
according to a survivor friend, there's a good chance that with this latest round of bloodwork, my endocrinologist is simply doing what needs to be done to get clearance from my insurance for the super 'spensive PET scan.
but judy! you did a scan in november and it turned up nothing, you're saying. whelp, RAI scans can apparently miss a re-occurrence if it is very early. they can also miss some of your more esoteric metastasis. in this context, as with the vast majority of cancer-related contexts, "esoteric" is not in my favor. survivor friend is over her ears in esoteric thyroid cancer metastasis. she knows of what she speaks.
i am dealing with some depression, major healthcare burnout, as well as that thing that happens when you've been swept up for months in a Dramatic Life Happening and then, some of the dust clears, or at least you think some of the dust clears, revealing the huge mess of things you've left unattended for months on end and oh, god, the entropy, the fucking entropy. the unresolved. the unsaid. the spoiled milk in the refrigerator. the fear about something other than cancer killing me in my sleep. it might be refreshing, at least, to be afraid about something else? but! it is not.
i'll be talking about PET scans with my endocrinologist, you betcha, that and so much more, but for now? i'm taking a few days off.
i could really use some good thoughts and friendly notes. haiku, even. here is as good a place as any, should you not know my email address (or you keep ending up with my british namesake. she has to be getting some of my mail, considering how much i get of hers.)
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no subject
Date: 2016-01-14 05:20 am (UTC)not real sure where she came from, however. she's the opposite of my mom. what i'm saying is: maybe it's good that i don't have kids.
positive thinking's for sissies! you gotta learn to embrace the dark side if you're going to get anywhere real with the light. barbara ehrenreich is my hero. ;-) (seriously? she did an interview while i was still at the radio station and as much as i loved her, that's how much most of our callers seemed to hate her. and wanted to argue with her. and explain away every truth she spoke about surviving breast cancer in the strange and often marginalizing culture surrounding breast cancer. she put into words a lot of what my mom's experienced with it in bright sided. just on a basic human interaction level, it can be difficult when any illness serves as such a spotlight.) what's tricky is finding the balance. i don't know that i'm ever going to find it. not in a perfect way to be sure. that's impossible.
"giant foo" is definitely some familiar terrain, right now.
no subject
Date: 2016-01-14 05:31 am (UTC)But I'd suggest only dancing when you feel like dancing. <3