anonymousblack | dancing about architecture

last night i rode an unlikely trigger in the paper journal: something i just thought was me sourgraping. and i chipped away at it and chipped away at it and all of a sudden i'd changed levels. there was this profound sorting of my variables, things that have always been there but arranged in a way that made more sense than they had before. all of a sudden i had this resonance, defined figures on a previously indistinct landscape: what my role in this incarnation is, how i have interpreted that role, how i want if not what. the idea of wanting is still a problem for me: it always has and i suspect it always will be. it's what happens when what you desire can only be brought into form by the desires of another.

it's terrifying, this kind of deep journal work, these sorts of entries where i don't stop to cultivate segues, connect dots; these entries where i don't stop. it's just one brutal truth after the next. it's terrifying because someone like me, no matter how much i've worked to train myself out of this kind of thinking? i am always writing for the unseen eye. someone else is always in the equation. like what i said back there about desire? it's in my writing process, as well. there is always a possibility that anything i write will be read by someone else, especially when i feel like it's not appropriate for anyone else to read. it's frightening to write something like that and think, what if somebody sees that and thinks i mean it literally? especially, perhaps, when i do mean it literally. when i need to believe it literally. i don't - in the realm of the spiritual, i'm losing appreciation for the boundaries of "literal" and "figurative." not in a leprechaun in the sandbox telling me to burn things sort of way, but certainly in a way that might alienate people i love and respect. or just make it clear to everyone how completely broken and disturbed i truly am.

but, then, it's not like i've never done that before.

more and more i'm finding my power in recognizing that i am not as much a writer as i am a shaman of words. no, i can't explain that in any sort of coherent depth. i don't know that i'm supposed to. if you get it, you get it. if you get it, you are one of the people i am writing for.