dancing about architecture

[anonymousblack]

last night i rode an unlikely trigger in the paper journal: something i just thought was me sourgraping. and i chipped away at it and chipped away at it and all of a sudden i'd changed levels. there was this profound sorting of my variables, things that have always been there but arranged in a way that made more sense than they had before. all of a sudden i had this resonance, defined figures on a previously indistinct landscape: what my role in this incarnation is, how i have interpreted that role, how i want if not what. the idea of wanting is still a problem for me: it always has and i suspect it always will be. it's what happens when what you desire can only be brought into form by the desires of another.

it's terrifying, this kind of deep journal work, these sorts of entries where i don't stop to cultivate segues, connect dots; these entries where i don't stop. it's just one brutal truth after the next. it's terrifying because someone like me, no matter how much i've worked to train myself out of this kind of thinking? i am always writing for the unseen eye. someone else is always in the equation. like what i said back there about desire? it's in my writing process, as well. there is always a possibility that anything i write will be read by someone else, especially when i feel like it's not appropriate for anyone else to read. it's frightening to write something like that and think, what if somebody sees that and thinks i mean it literally? especially, perhaps, when i do mean it literally. when i need to believe it literally. i don't - in the realm of the spiritual, i'm losing appreciation for the boundaries of "literal" and "figurative." not in a leprechaun in the sandbox telling me to burn things sort of way, but certainly in a way that might alienate people i love and respect. or just make it clear to everyone how completely broken and disturbed i truly am.

but, then, it's not like i've never done that before.

more and more i'm finding my power in recognizing that i am not as much a writer as i am a shaman of words. no, i can't explain that in any sort of coherent depth. i don't know that i'm supposed to. if you get it, you get it. if you get it, you are one of the people i am writing for.

Comments

[laughingwoman.livejournal.com]

i totally, totally get you.

and in my paper-journal (morning pages, of late) it's like that too. that recognition that no matter what amount of work I've done to undo the wrong-headed (at best) emotional training I've received, I always teeter-totter between wondering what I'm feeling/experiencing/thinking is what I really feel/experience/think or what I'm *trained* to think of it as. The proof of the work I've done over the years is getting clearer and clearer on the difference. Most of the time.

A few thoughtful people who were the reasons to be here at all have reappeared on LJ, posting with some regularity. You're one of them, and I am grateful for your voice here.

[anonymousblack.livejournal.com]

thank you, you. ♥

trying to figure out the distinction between external conditioning and what-i-would-be-feeling-regardless is pretty rough. especially in those places where what-i-would-be-feeling-regardless has been informed by coming to a greater understanding by my external conditioning (or the external conditioning i see others sorting through.) because that happens. especially as we get older. one form builds the other, on certain issues.

[flowerfalls.livejournal.com]

you ARE a shaman of words! Its not your fault, you were meant to be born to an earlier time when the community would support the shaman, without them needing to ask

[anonymousblack.livejournal.com]

oh, i was also born in that earlier time. maybe i got stuck there? ;-)

thank you, k.

[light-string.livejournal.com]

I get it. And feel so much of this. Love.

[anonymousblack.livejournal.com]

*tight hug* i'm thinking of you, d. LOVE.

[kimisutra.livejournal.com]

I get it and those terrifying moments of writing wide open facing down the fear of words being read by others who don't get it.

[anonymousblack.livejournal.com]

oh except what i'm often sorting is getting off on that idea. except when it's horrifying. or also when it's horrifying. but probably you get that, too. we are complicated, complicated people, k. ♥

[nevarra.livejournal.com]

You are absolutely a shaman of words and I don't think you even need to explain that in coherent depth. In and of itself is the depth. And I get it. I am one of the ones you write for and one of the ones who gains nourishment and resonance from your words. Always have. Your words split me open sometimes in a way that I've yet to encounter elsewhere. I hope you keep writing, digging, and ripping through. Raw, terrifying, chipped away, and real. So very real.

[anonymousblack.livejournal.com]

man, b, why can't we hang out more?! freaking distance. thank you for this and also for you. ♥

[nevarra.livejournal.com]

They need to invent a damn teleportation device that we can activate at will and have tea and couch time.