out along the edges is always where i burn to be

[anonymousblack]

caught (by lack) self-medicating the hunger to a slightly duller needle (but a needle nonetheless)

disenfranchised by hunger

sick to death with hunger

how to make the hunger stop

without making me stop, i mean

i mean, yes. it took me more than an hour to think, perhaps i need to eat. it's part of the fray of it, the hunger, how thought processes are choked to a halt? and then the rage, the body rage, air into rage, water into rage, rage to subatomic particles. there was this moment last autumn when i recognized that i might be causing irreversible psychological damage: with hunger? which is not the thing to think of when you're so painfully hungry that you honestly forget feeding yourself might help the matter: and you forget this for more than a fucking hour. because this breaks you. this has been breaking me. into little tiny pieces, it has. chip, chip, chip. since then i have been eating

and eating

and eating

it doesn't help

or it helps for ten minutes

and then it comes back worse.

how will i survive my own body?

i won't, i know. nobody does.

but i was hoping to at least make it out of my forties.

Comments

[anonymousblack.livejournal.com]

DEFINITELY.

last night i went through the entire memorial photo album the human rights campaign put together for sharing on facebook. it was brutal. that whole thing about knowing on a visceral gut level when you look into the eyes of a photographed person who has since died, it is NOT TRUE. everyone in that album was very much alive - or that's how much they wanted to be.

it sounds like the plan is to reopen pulse. what an incredible act of bravery. that's going to be hard.