out along the edges is always where i burn to be

[anonymousblack]

caught (by lack) self-medicating the hunger to a slightly duller needle (but a needle nonetheless)

disenfranchised by hunger

sick to death with hunger

how to make the hunger stop

without making me stop, i mean

i mean, yes. it took me more than an hour to think, perhaps i need to eat. it's part of the fray of it, the hunger, how thought processes are choked to a halt? and then the rage, the body rage, air into rage, water into rage, rage to subatomic particles. there was this moment last autumn when i recognized that i might be causing irreversible psychological damage: with hunger? which is not the thing to think of when you're so painfully hungry that you honestly forget feeding yourself might help the matter: and you forget this for more than a fucking hour. because this breaks you. this has been breaking me. into little tiny pieces, it has. chip, chip, chip. since then i have been eating

and eating

and eating

it doesn't help

or it helps for ten minutes

and then it comes back worse.

how will i survive my own body?

i won't, i know. nobody does.

but i was hoping to at least make it out of my forties.

Comments

[anonymousblack.livejournal.com]

anyway, i'm so far gone the weirdos are typically the ones with retirement plans, wedding anniversaries, superbowl parties, and, um, washable couch covers that have been washed since 2012. ;-)

[(Anonymous)]

I like your parameters better
since I have none of those I feel less weird already

[anonymousblack.livejournal.com]

i always wait until someone has been sitting on the karlstad for a good twenty minutes to inform them that was where i spent most of my waking hours for the majority of the six days i spent in our apartment slightly radioactive. i mean, things that did not have direct contact with body fluids had broken down to our regular ambient levels by the third day and if there's anything in this apartment that's real cause for concern it is the dust, but it's amusing to watch the anxious shifting.

[(Anonymous)]

Well I am a little slow but begin to get the drift as I spent many hours taking care of my radioactive dad.

I want to respect your space but also want you to know I'm there if you need a blubbering old fool