grieve

sheltered well enough from the elements, the only change some environments will experience is slight decay.

in the bathroom i thought: well the thing is if there's no place for me in the world i make a place. the world can't need my particulars until i show the world my particulars are needed. then i thought: but i have never been particularly good at making a place for myself. what i'm good at is living in my head, vanishing into the space i already have. obfuscation, that's my gift. i don't know. still, i don't know. i want to burn sugar and stir it into my tea. i want to get lost alone at night, drive past broadcast towers. i want to burn candles and write sestinas. over and over and over. i want to be. i want to be. i want to be building to something. i need to be going somewhere.

i can't even listen to music the way i want to listen to music. what the hell is wrong with me?