out along the edges is always where i burn to be

[anonymousblack]

caught (by lack) self-medicating the hunger to a slightly duller needle (but a needle nonetheless)

disenfranchised by hunger

sick to death with hunger

how to make the hunger stop

without making me stop, i mean

i mean, yes. it took me more than an hour to think, perhaps i need to eat. it's part of the fray of it, the hunger, how thought processes are choked to a halt? and then the rage, the body rage, air into rage, water into rage, rage to subatomic particles. there was this moment last autumn when i recognized that i might be causing irreversible psychological damage: with hunger? which is not the thing to think of when you're so painfully hungry that you honestly forget feeding yourself might help the matter: and you forget this for more than a fucking hour. because this breaks you. this has been breaking me. into little tiny pieces, it has. chip, chip, chip. since then i have been eating

and eating

and eating

it doesn't help

or it helps for ten minutes

and then it comes back worse.

how will i survive my own body?

i won't, i know. nobody does.

but i was hoping to at least make it out of my forties.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

That's funny in that crying sort of funny way
I was counting on you to make some sense of everything because I am just tired of nothing changing, half staff flags,vigils, and I don't want to demean those who take comfort in these things but I feel like a boiled frog that's been in the pot for fifty years and of course I really didn't expect you to make things better. I've lost all perspective and am only tired

Ms Dumont is the bull goose looney of that club

[anonymousblack.livejournal.com]

yup. realized that i'm counting on myself for that also, which is why the last few days have been a little clusterfucky - also why i think i might need a few good cries, to release some of the pressure. this unbelievably horrible thing that could have, at minimum, had a slightly lower death toll with a handful of obvious legislation years and years ago, at least if MORE FUCKING PEOPLE WOULD WAKE UP AND GET OVER THEIR NARCISSISM OF FINE DISTINCTIONS, it is not combining at all well with the agony of this presidential race and the brock turner travesty.

i've often read as queer, especially back in those glorious didn't-kill-me-so-i-guess-i'm-stronger school days. now i'm watching my friends who are out and active in the LGBTQ+ community forced, forced, to indefinitely dwell in this supercharged version of that daily, baseline terror around simply being who they have every right to be (except they don't even have the very empty feeling promise that it's going to get a little better if they can just make it to 8th grade graduation) and what they are fearing is being executed without a moment's notice, now even in what was supposed to be a safe space, not being driven to suicide as i nearly was by my lesser "strength-building" school experience. it's quite a boot to the gut.

time to get together this whole off-the-grid witch commune and disappear with everyone i care about, probably. unfortunately i am no longer exactly able to reasonably live off-the-grid.

[anonymousblack.livejournal.com]

this poem, by loma, almost broke me in half. i know there's so much more to say, but what can you say after that?

[(Anonymous)]

Thanks for sharing the poem
His dad should be very proud
It touched me in ways I needed

[anonymousblack.livejournal.com]

DEFINITELY.

last night i went through the entire memorial photo album the human rights campaign put together for sharing on facebook. it was brutal. that whole thing about knowing on a visceral gut level when you look into the eyes of a photographed person who has since died, it is NOT TRUE. everyone in that album was very much alive - or that's how much they wanted to be.

it sounds like the plan is to reopen pulse. what an incredible act of bravery. that's going to be hard.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

This is the first time in my entire life I'm being called a bull goose looney, in any context, but I'll cop to it. What club, though? Crying and flying flags half-mast? I try to avoid all the ostentatious showiness of public outrage and grief, believe it or not, and don't put colors behind my icons or whatever the going thing is. But I react, boy howdy yeah. The world is tragic, and it's a lingering sadness for me too.

[anonymousblack.livejournal.com]

of course! i'm navigating what sounds like similar emotional space, though i'm doing it with a half-mast fb profile pic.

livejournal is also the island of misfit social network users, those of us who don't quite fit in the current internet culture; we were having a separate thread of conversation about how all three of us fit into that profile with more than our social network use.

i'm so sorry if any of this upset you, v!!!

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

Now I understand! Sorry to have made you explain. I'm happy to be in your company. :)