out along the edges is always where i burn to be

[anonymousblack]

caught (by lack) self-medicating the hunger to a slightly duller needle (but a needle nonetheless)

disenfranchised by hunger

sick to death with hunger

how to make the hunger stop

without making me stop, i mean

i mean, yes. it took me more than an hour to think, perhaps i need to eat. it's part of the fray of it, the hunger, how thought processes are choked to a halt? and then the rage, the body rage, air into rage, water into rage, rage to subatomic particles. there was this moment last autumn when i recognized that i might be causing irreversible psychological damage: with hunger? which is not the thing to think of when you're so painfully hungry that you honestly forget feeding yourself might help the matter: and you forget this for more than a fucking hour. because this breaks you. this has been breaking me. into little tiny pieces, it has. chip, chip, chip. since then i have been eating

and eating

and eating

it doesn't help

or it helps for ten minutes

and then it comes back worse.

how will i survive my own body?

i won't, i know. nobody does.

but i was hoping to at least make it out of my forties.

Comments

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

This is the first time in my entire life I'm being called a bull goose looney, in any context, but I'll cop to it. What club, though? Crying and flying flags half-mast? I try to avoid all the ostentatious showiness of public outrage and grief, believe it or not, and don't put colors behind my icons or whatever the going thing is. But I react, boy howdy yeah. The world is tragic, and it's a lingering sadness for me too.

[anonymousblack.livejournal.com]

of course! i'm navigating what sounds like similar emotional space, though i'm doing it with a half-mast fb profile pic.

livejournal is also the island of misfit social network users, those of us who don't quite fit in the current internet culture; we were having a separate thread of conversation about how all three of us fit into that profile with more than our social network use.

i'm so sorry if any of this upset you, v!!!

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

Now I understand! Sorry to have made you explain. I'm happy to be in your company. :)