out along the edges is always where i burn to be

[anonymousblack]

caught (by lack) self-medicating the hunger to a slightly duller needle (but a needle nonetheless)

disenfranchised by hunger

sick to death with hunger

how to make the hunger stop

without making me stop, i mean

i mean, yes. it took me more than an hour to think, perhaps i need to eat. it's part of the fray of it, the hunger, how thought processes are choked to a halt? and then the rage, the body rage, air into rage, water into rage, rage to subatomic particles. there was this moment last autumn when i recognized that i might be causing irreversible psychological damage: with hunger? which is not the thing to think of when you're so painfully hungry that you honestly forget feeding yourself might help the matter: and you forget this for more than a fucking hour. because this breaks you. this has been breaking me. into little tiny pieces, it has. chip, chip, chip. since then i have been eating

and eating

and eating

it doesn't help

or it helps for ten minutes

and then it comes back worse.

how will i survive my own body?

i won't, i know. nobody does.

but i was hoping to at least make it out of my forties.

Comments

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

What beans? I was alerted by Mr. Anonymous to this post, which I missed I guess when checking my f-page the other day. The beans about Orlando? I'm still reeling from that. :(

[(Anonymous)]

Anonymousblack and myself were all over the board on these posts and in no way meant to question your reaction to the horror of Orlando
We were just acknowledging our membership in the club of wierdos chaired by you
As you recall that week after the incident in Orlando was very hard to put in any coherent post and we were trying to work through it
My apologies for any misunderstanding

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

Gotcha. I am proud and humbled at the same time to be chair of the club. Now let's have coffee and donuts!

No worries. I just felt stupid yesterday and wasn't sure what was happening. (I often don't know what's happening anymore!)

The Orlando shootings, like the killings in that black church last year, absolutely short-circuit my emotions. I don't know how to deal with them at all. Maybe that's the problem for many of us -- there really is no adequate response, aside from grief.

[anonymousblack.livejournal.com]

mr. anonymous said "I have it on good authority we may be among the weirdest" in an unrelated part of an earlier post and i just assumed you had to be the one who "spilled the beans" on that, since you've come to know a great deal about my weirdness over these last fifteen years. ♥ again, i'm so sorry if this caused you any distress.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, I just couldn't imagine what the context was! I only hop onto LJ when I remember to, so it was possible I'd completely lost track of what was being said. (I'm trying to decide whether turning 65 means I should give up Tumblr and its fripperies, but then it seems my attention span really has shortened and not only due to that briefer format.) No worries, m'dear!