anonymousblack | good morning beautiful (Reply)

the worst is waking up at a quarter to five to discover your brain is already in the process of this brutal inventory: all the cancers you've had, all the cancers you might have, any potentially cancer-causing activities you have recently engaged in; feeling yourself fail your body, the places where the energy stalls, the places where you don't even know. there are so many hidden places, hidden places you have no way of exploring, hidden places where anything could be happening at all. the place you had cancer, it never occurred to you that there could be cancer there. what does that say about all the places where you've suspected cancer, known others to have cancer, known others--known others--

then the surface cracks and you remember your friends, your loved ones. the way this is actually about them; about everything that could happen to them, all the small ways death can sneak in, will sneak in, will take them away, will take you away from them, will own you each and every one.