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letter to the editor
Mar. 7th, 2016 05:32 pmthe night after the the workshop i took in december, i had a series of disturbing realizations around some of my recent behaviors and what's been motivating them. it was the sort of stuff that can come up when you've spent a few days in intense shared introspection and it was in such a concentrated burst that i wasn't really able to manage it, that night or in the month of december.
at the time, i wrote down everything i could and put it away for a few weeks. so i could sit with these ideas in sacred space, attempt to contextualize them in the larger process of my life: so i wouldn't explode with a bunch of workshop-charged epiphanies all over the important people in my life, forcing them take responsibility for information that i've most certainly been praying for but was not expecting to land with the seal broken on my doorstep in the super sized costco bonus pack at eleven o'clock on a work night.
most of what i got related to the idea of resistance. this week, in a program i'm doing, i'm working with the idea of resistance. specifically, resistance as related to the grunt work of daily spiritual practice. so, yes, here i am, looking at my frantic december sixth scrawl and understanding that a lot of this goes back to the same place.
one of my realizations: when i share an experience with someone that feeds me spiritually, i will, sometimes almost immediately, turn around and punish myself for that. usually with social anxiety. even when i don't actively engage in self-sabotaging behavior (put my foot in my mouth, literally or figuratively, and i think i've gotten a little better about that over the years, or i've at least found more interpersonal connections with people who understand that awkward girl is awkward and prone to blurt out something totally stupid as she overthinks her desperate struggle to avoid blurting out something totally stupid) i will zero in on some interaction i had with this person that might be interpreted in a bad way and decide on no uncertain terms that is how the interaction has been interpreted and this amazing person with whom i shared this beautiful moment in ritual now thinks i am an embarrassment to her tradition if not the entire human race. even once i've managed to deflate the reactive element of that, when i think back over that beautiful moment, the social anxiety is what i remember. the social anxiety derails me from taking what i need from that moment into eternity. i've done this with more than matters of spirit. i've done it for as long as i can remember. i can't remember not doing it.
so! mission accomplished: i have resisted spiritual development with my fear of rejection.
rejection? it is loathsome. it is overwhelming. i hate being in that emotional space, either dealing with actual rejection or fearing the possibility of it. and yet, here i am, engaging in this complex psychological maneuver that allows rejection to overtake every aspect of my life, even when it is not happening, even in relation to experiences that could help me cope with rejection in a healthier way. resistance.
last week i wrote letters to my seeker about desire. this week, i am writing letters to my resistor about resistance. seeker told me, last week, that "resistance blocks out the labyrinth of desire." just as shame can be used as a means of understanding the things in which you take pride, resistance can be a tool used to better discern the shape of desire, and i am all about that.
"Oftentimes we resist that which we most deeply want, or that which will be of the greatest help to our life's intentions." - t. thorn coyle, "crafting a daily practice"
presented for you, then, behind the cut is today's thought experiment: a letter in dialog with my resistor. maybe some of it will sound familiar and maybe that will help you feel less alone. bear in mind that while i have felt all of these things, i am not feeling them all at once right at this moment. in fact, i'm feeling pretty good, right now. a large part of that is respecting my need to start work like this in sacred space, complete work like this in sacred space, and then follow up with a purification and self-care. going down too deep too fast and coming back up without taking appropriate precautions is a sure way to end up with the bends, if not the first time than surely most every time after that.
( i start with the suggested trigger phrase: )
at the time, i wrote down everything i could and put it away for a few weeks. so i could sit with these ideas in sacred space, attempt to contextualize them in the larger process of my life: so i wouldn't explode with a bunch of workshop-charged epiphanies all over the important people in my life, forcing them take responsibility for information that i've most certainly been praying for but was not expecting to land with the seal broken on my doorstep in the super sized costco bonus pack at eleven o'clock on a work night.
most of what i got related to the idea of resistance. this week, in a program i'm doing, i'm working with the idea of resistance. specifically, resistance as related to the grunt work of daily spiritual practice. so, yes, here i am, looking at my frantic december sixth scrawl and understanding that a lot of this goes back to the same place.
one of my realizations: when i share an experience with someone that feeds me spiritually, i will, sometimes almost immediately, turn around and punish myself for that. usually with social anxiety. even when i don't actively engage in self-sabotaging behavior (put my foot in my mouth, literally or figuratively, and i think i've gotten a little better about that over the years, or i've at least found more interpersonal connections with people who understand that awkward girl is awkward and prone to blurt out something totally stupid as she overthinks her desperate struggle to avoid blurting out something totally stupid) i will zero in on some interaction i had with this person that might be interpreted in a bad way and decide on no uncertain terms that is how the interaction has been interpreted and this amazing person with whom i shared this beautiful moment in ritual now thinks i am an embarrassment to her tradition if not the entire human race. even once i've managed to deflate the reactive element of that, when i think back over that beautiful moment, the social anxiety is what i remember. the social anxiety derails me from taking what i need from that moment into eternity. i've done this with more than matters of spirit. i've done it for as long as i can remember. i can't remember not doing it.
so! mission accomplished: i have resisted spiritual development with my fear of rejection.
rejection? it is loathsome. it is overwhelming. i hate being in that emotional space, either dealing with actual rejection or fearing the possibility of it. and yet, here i am, engaging in this complex psychological maneuver that allows rejection to overtake every aspect of my life, even when it is not happening, even in relation to experiences that could help me cope with rejection in a healthier way. resistance.
last week i wrote letters to my seeker about desire. this week, i am writing letters to my resistor about resistance. seeker told me, last week, that "resistance blocks out the labyrinth of desire." just as shame can be used as a means of understanding the things in which you take pride, resistance can be a tool used to better discern the shape of desire, and i am all about that.
"Oftentimes we resist that which we most deeply want, or that which will be of the greatest help to our life's intentions." - t. thorn coyle, "crafting a daily practice"
presented for you, then, behind the cut is today's thought experiment: a letter in dialog with my resistor. maybe some of it will sound familiar and maybe that will help you feel less alone. bear in mind that while i have felt all of these things, i am not feeling them all at once right at this moment. in fact, i'm feeling pretty good, right now. a large part of that is respecting my need to start work like this in sacred space, complete work like this in sacred space, and then follow up with a purification and self-care. going down too deep too fast and coming back up without taking appropriate precautions is a sure way to end up with the bends, if not the first time than surely most every time after that.
( i start with the suggested trigger phrase: )
