anonymousblack: (WORSHIP ME YOU SNAKE!)
SURVEY CHECK IN MARCH 2012

Name: judith

Birthday: 8/24

Place of Birth: north west suburbs of chicago, just outside elgin

Marital Status: mmph.

Occupation: huh.

Star sign: virgo sun, leo rising, pisces moon, venus retrograde. tangentially related, i've actually had astrologers look at all the oppositions in my natal chart and say "oh, god, i'm sorry."

Hair: brown, now with more gray than ever

Eyes: whatever they want i try not to bug them about it too much

Height: 5'11"

Weight: you gonna want my SSN next, cowboy?

Q: Do you have a nickname?
A: i seem to get called 'miss judy' a lot

Q: How long have you kept a weblog?
A: ALWAYS. I HAVE ALWAYS uh 2001
but this, man: this is just a trip. i was even alive back then?

Q: Where do you live?
A: baltimore, the city that never sleeps because the next door neighbor who doesn't believe in closed windows, subtle lighting or curtains has now also figured out how to use skype and is cheerfully shouting the most inane and vaguely offensive conversation you can imagine into his goddamn computer until 4AM and by the way the jackhammering out front woke me up at eight, thanks hon.

Q: But were you born there? If not, then where?
A: IN A RING OF HELLFIRE! i was actually almost born in the back seat of a plymouth.

Q: Tell us about your family
A: belligerent and numerous.

Q: Describe your looks?
A: 'cos telling you my height weight eye color and hair color just didn't cut it for you? suck it.



Q: Tell us about your partner (or ideal partner if you haven't got one)?
A: little from column a, little from column b, excepting that whole "mmph" issue. we determined the other night that as part of the portfolio development process he needs to register the domain "bensbutt.org," just to give resume screeners something to think about.

Q: For a day out would you prefer, a theme park, a football game or spend the day in a bar?
A: rollercoasters are pretty fucking fantastic but right now i just want jeni to have her baby and me to get my paycheck so we can go to cape henlopen and find some nice dead stuff on the beach

Q: Who would you sound like if I called you on the phone?
A: like the voice that says "the customer you are trying to reach is not available."
always email me to tell me you are going to call first. i need time to prepare.

Q: Religion - do you do it? If so what?
A: your beeswax = none

Q: Politics - right, left or centre?
A: your beeswax = none. but i've been crying a lot.

Q: Do you like it hot or cold?
A: weather = overcast with a slight chill
beverages = hot if it's supposed to be hot, cold if it's supposed to be cold.
i don't like ice cubes except when absolutely necessary.
iced coffee is just nasty.
what is wrong with you people.

Q: What book are you reading at the moment?
A: crap, about sixteen things i've started at three in the morning and promptly forgot. ben keeps finding my copy of lover's discourse and entertaining me with humorous pronunciations of "barthes." i read a lot of stuff in stapled booklet format, too.

Q: What was the last song on your Ipod?
A: i'm listening to the gray field recordings album i just got right now! and it was totally on my "stoner college radio station" playlist which i have and you don't!

Q: Describe your music collection.
A: intended to baffle and disorient.
also got some madonna.

Q: SPORT - Yes or no?
A: we go for walks

Q: Do you have a website/homepage? (leave link please)
A: seven or eight livejournals, wordpress or two, blogger, blogspot, facebook, last.fm, twitter, a tumblr nobody knows about, i... think this quiz was invented before the whole social networking craze blasted off and everyone has like 78 profiles on 60 different venues that are all being followed by the same 15 people you met in an IRC chat room 18 years ago.

Q: Do you have a celebrity crush?
A: craig thompson (guy who made habibi and blankets). i kept thinking, "oh my god, OH MY GOD THIS MAN I LOVE THIS MAN IT'S MEANT TO BE I WILL RUN TO BE WITH HIM IN SEATTLE" but then i realized he's got a thing for tiny little blonde women. goddamnit, tall dark handsome men always pick the tiny little blonde women.)

Q: Do you have a celebrity hate?
A: why waste perfectly good hate on someone i'll never meet?

Q: Beer or wine?
A: pinot noir or woodchuck 802.

Q: Home or abroad?
A: a broad.

Q: Toothbrush - are you electric or manual?
A: manual. would you like to know the date of my LMP?

Q: Type of the property you live in?
A: someone else's rowhouse

Q: What were your best subjects at school?
A: i mean, i got out of there without killing anyone or burning anything down and that's really all you need to know about it.

Q: Spender or saver?
A: i suck with money. good thing god won't let me have any.

Q: What newspaper do you buy?
A: you make it sound like that's something people do.

Q: One of life's regrets is...
A: that i don't recover from failed relationships faster, or, you know, ever.

Q: Coronation St or Eastenders?
A: *nod* one of those.

Q: Do you like questionnaires?
A: what is WRONG with me

Q: Where do you buy your clothes?
A: gramicci and museum shops.

Q: Cat, dog or goldfish?
A: kitties, please. a reasonable abundance of kitties, yes.

Q: Rare, medium or well done?
A: WHY DID THEY PUT THIS QUESTION AFTER THE LAST ONE

Q: Do you drive?
A: from one side of the street to the other, once or twice a week, at least 'til my car runs out of gas, when i will be fucked. welcome to the employment crisis!

Q: Have you ever been in trouble with the law?
A: once the RA caught me burning incense in my dorm room. :-(

Q: Is there an afterlife?
A: obviously there is life after death. it just may not be your life after your death.

Q: Tell me something that scares you.
A: i'm terrified that i'm still going to be in this situation a year from now.

Q: How would you describe your personality?
A: so what part of that elephant are you touching?

Q: Tell us about some jobs you've had that you've loved.
A: nude model, occult bookshop manager, radio producer, shiftless mooch.

Q: Name some places you've lived.
A: northwest suburbs of chicago, iowa city, the city where skype never sleeps, etc.

Q: What kind of things do you enjoy on TV?
A: community! and cooltv shows eighties videos for an hour at eight on weekdays that sometimes aren't hair ballads. also, i don't know if you know this, but many PBS affiliates get seriously weird between the hours of 1 and 5AM.
anonymousblack: (((something)))
random brittle dreams, questionable motivations, unforeseen outcomes.

i realized around 1AM that i'd decided in my heart of hearts that i need to move to rockford, to be closer to my family, to be closer to dear friends out here, to be closer to my niece as she grows

by 2:30 i'd talked myself out of it

it's not necessarily a

well i mean it's an idea, you see, and there are both healthy and unhealthy facets to it. on the one hand, things in baltimore are technically where they were for me three years ago and i'm making myself sick watching everyone else's milestones pass me by. i'm sinking deeper and deeper into neurosis and stagnation. on the other hand, there's a distinct possibility that i am turning myself into a pillar of salt even as i type this. i'm so desperate for this situation to evolve a little in a positive direction i could very well be getting impulsive and stupid.

two hours later i can't say where i am, who, what, quezacotl whispers: time is short, the great destroyer is waiting. i look at floorplans and reference shots. i can't get this time back i can't get back the time i've lost with my nephew my mother my friends. i don't know. i couldn't say.

now 4, listening to fleet foxes in my niece's bedroom that used to be my bedroom: let us review, how strange to see the colors and textures i put into this space years and years ago carelessly scraped out and redressed with my sister's childlike sensibilities, the latchhook hen beneath the praying child cross beneath that dreamcatcher i knew i left somewhere; the feather blessing i wrapped and hung off the doorframe six years ago still hanging off the doorframe; the plastic drawer chest stuffed with wipes and footie pajamas underlining it all. let us review how strange it is to sleep in a baby's room that does not have the baby sleeping in it, to wake up next to a crib at the baby's cry in the next room. to return now and listen to this album i want to curl up in and pull over me like sleep furs, that expanse of voices marking a perfectly secure circumference, what would have been here if i hadn't left. it's like dropping a stitch, skipping a beat, the structure will collapse itself any moment now

she's a dear, she's a sweetheart, she's my niece. when she sees your feet coming down the stairs she'll call out 'hi' until you respond back in kind; once you do she delights: 'happy!' and waves her arms, trembles with delight, laughs out loud with the joy of having you in the room with her again. i arrange her cheerios into a circle on her highchair tray and she can't believe the miracle of it, it's like nothing she's ever seen; when she knocks the circle out of order slightly with her enthusiasm, she looks at me in slight distress until i put it right again. she rewards me by lowering her face and lifting her eyes with a giggle: a confidence between us, this ring of oats. magic in its most rolled and roasted form.

at the restaurant my aunt sees the sanskrit ring i've worn on my right pointer finger since my last year of college and asks if ben gave it to me. no, i tell her, i've had it for years, and anyway the energy behind it is supposed to relate more to my commitment to spirit, that unearthly marriage. whatever the case she presents me back with my hand and says, well you've got to tell him. by next christmas. he needs to give you a ring. she's going to pray to god for it. i don't know i couldn't say. what am i doing here? what am i not doing there? what the hell is it that i think i'm doing with the time i have left on the planet? do i really want to spend it giving someone i love horrible ultimatums about marriage? does it really matter to me, that much?

and i love him so much and i want to be with him so much and i've wanted to be with him and in so many ways i've chosen him and that's the path i've chosen and yet. here i am at my parent's house. and i miss so much and i'm missing so much and it creates this horrible grating, this feedback loop, i realize how lonely i am and how empty i've been feeling and i am so burned out with placelessness, with waiting, with not really understanding why i am where i am. and i can't ask for what i want, because i don't really know what that is. or i'm too afraid of the answer to ask, or i'm that much more afraid that there isn't so much an answer as there is more waiting. no answer, no growth, just entropy and, eventually, death.

quezacotl quezacotl

new jobs and engagements and due dates pile up on my facebook feed. i wait, as ever, for the killing blow. any day now, about. people complain about 2011 or they complain about people complaining about 2011. facebook makes my heart sick, it's this funhouse mirror world of manipulation and distortion, intentional and otherwise. everybody's beautiful and perfect. is it real? on the level i'm seeing, it is. it may as well be, as far as i'm concerned. i could not be so beautiful or so perfect, at least i don't think i could be. i cannot even pretend. maybe it's better that way. sleight of hand or slight of hand. i couldn't say. facebook makes my heart sick, there's no ghost in the shell.

i keep going back, all the same.

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