anonymousblack: (desparation)
[personal profile] anonymousblack
what else can i do? what else can i possibly do?

i don’t know. i don't. what's to know?

what i want is acknowledgement. all i want is acknowledgement. all i want is acknowledgement, but acknowledgement is one of those things that has an entire ecosystem beneath it: to acknowledge someone means to intentionally speak truth to them. in order to intentionally speak truth to someone, you must respect them. acknowledgement is a fundamental demonstration of respect. it means you value this person. it means the value you place in this connection exceeds any anxiety you might have about openly expressing your feelings.

by its very nature, acknowledging me means you cede some degree of control in our relationship. because i mean something to you. because you want me in your life. because i matter to you. because my acknowledgement matters to you,

(right. basically? i’m boned.)

and the thing i can tell you about going through important relationships unacknowledged? my hardest earned wisdom from growing up queer in a world that hated my queerness so much i tried to hide it (however unsuccessfully) even from myself?

in this sort of power dynamic, a power dynamic where acknowledgement is sealed up in a tight jar on the highest shelf of a locking cabinet only opened for people deemed more worthy than me, in a dynamic like that, my ability to acknowledge is suffocated. following that, my patience. following that, my kindness. following that, my willingness to even be around that friend anymore. my love doesn't go anywhere; once i'm truly in love with somebody i'm there for life. however, my ability to express my own feelings has been eroded away and all that love feels like is resentment, fear, and eventually rage. the only meaningful gift i can offer my friend dwindles away to nothing. worse than nothing, a few times.

it's a form of erasure. it's making me disappear: and i hate it. i fucking hate it. ending up in that kind of emotional sink hole with somebody i love, it's traumatizing. it's soul death. especially because the exchange is so simple as saying you want me as a friend when you want me as a friend, or, less simple, it's true, but easier than soul death at least: i know that i hurt you and i want to do the work i need to do to earn back your trust and make things better between us.

it seems like an awful lot of mess for


i don't know.

never mind.
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